I love her, but I think i have to leave her. I’m just worried about the kids.?
Married almost 10 yrs. 2 children. Wife was raised by a psycho man hater (who’s family will not talk to her). Wife is a stay at home mom (with an MBA). We have a custom built home luxury SUV’s 5 vacations a year etc…….
Never happy with anything. she’s constantly critical of everything and everyone (as are most of the women in her family – nearly all divorced for same reason). I can’t take it anymore. She is by far one of the most selfish pesons I have ever met. Most everyone that knows us asks how I put up with her. Most friends won’t socialize with us now because of her negativity and constant criticism of me.
I am just afraid to leave our two precious girls with her. No way to get her ruled incompitent to care for them. Only 17 more years til they are in college and I can leave guilt free. She refuses counseling and says I just need to toughen up.
What to do?
There is a book called “Mind over Mood” that can be bought at Barnes and Nobles for about $20. It is a soft cover workbook. I recommend you pick up two. One for each of you.
Secondly, I understand there is definitely a family dynamic that has caused her behavior, and you have a need to feel validated, but the points that “Most of the women in her family are divorced” or “Most friends won’t socialize with us (because of her)” really doesn’t more harm than good.
It hurts to feel like you are alone in a situation and I respect that you are taking the time to consider the children. Sticking around takes bravery.
I think you are doing a great think by asking for some advice. I hope that the forum you are asking in is an appropriate one. You are sure to find a lot of sympathy here. I am not sure how much practical advice you will find.
I hope I can help with a little any how.
1. It is clear both of you need help in working things out. But it is also probable that you both need some support in mending some hurt feelings and some bad habits on your own. While you may feel the large share of the blame lies on her end, you may also have some accountability for the current situation. Often when the same arguments happen over an over again it is because both parties have a way of acting that is dysfunction. For instance you may act in a way you feel is loving by trying to give her more space, but it may in fact reward her bad behavior, and enable her to continue acting in a negative way.
Just because she has said in the past that she does not want to go to counseling doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go. Love means setting aside your pride. Humility is the greatest act of love a person can have. Pray about it, in what everyway is meaningful to you. And go to her when you are able and tell her with your defenses down, because you care about the marriage you are going to counseling even if she won’t. To see if you can learn anything to help things work better, because you love her. She may be mean, and difficult. In an act of love, go to therapy anyway.
She may fight the idea of therapy because she feels it is a personal failing. Or someone she knows had a bad experience, any number or reasons. Try to find out.
There is a technique called “Mirroring”:
One person talks. WITHOUT INTERUPTION
The other person repeats back what they understood the main point(s) to be. EVEN if they DON’T agree. The idea is to make sure the first person is heard.
The first person either agrees, or corrects the points.
If any corrections were made the second person had to “Mirror” back the point again (EVEN if they don’t agree) until they are accurately stating the other person’s point of view.
Only then do they switch.
Now the Second person gets to speak their point WITHOUT INTERUPTION, and refute and points they disagree with.
The First person “Mirrors” back what was said (EVEN if they DON’T agree).
And so on.
This technique is very hard to stick to, but it is fair. And it cuts about 80% of the B.S. out of a fight.
No on can change the topic. No one can interrupt. You have to prove you understand before you can disagree.
It forces everyone to be on the same page.
The last bit I can leave you with is the “pass the butter” tone of voice. A lot of unhappy couples get in the habit of a nasty tone even when “nothing is wrong” the contempt hangs in the air all the time. Try to reverse that. Try to use the same voice for your negative discussions in the same tone of voice as you do if you ask someone at the dinner table to “please pass the butter”.
When you make these changes, it is fair to point out. I am not using that tone with you anymore. Will you try to not use it with me?
God be with you.
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